I am Jack’s Shiny Cabin Fever

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

All play and no work makes Gori an insane girl…

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  To be honest, every day I would feel like writing but the bug wouldn’t hit me until closer to the time of Bear coming home from work and obviously that wouldn’t do.  I have dinner to cook and last-minute household chores to do.  And each night I would think “I will write tomorrow” and each tomorrow came and I….just…didn’t.

Why?

Well, a part of it was the reoccurring depression that hits me at times since moving here to India.  I would get it in the US but even then it would be only a few times a year and easily solvable by continuing to live and work each day.  Going for drives.  Going to the mall to just walk around.  Going to eat at a favorite place.  Spending time with friends.  I got out.

And therein lays the problem.

Here, I have no job.  Here I can’t just get out.  I have no car or scooter.  While this is being worked on and we plan on buying me a scooter in about a month and a half, it still seems forever and a day away.

No way to get a rickshaw easily.  I live in the ‘country’ side of Pune and the walk to the nearest store is prohibitive.  Also, I would have to walk in countryside with far too many day laborers ‘working’ and not happening to watch the white American girl walking past.  Or whistling at her.

I’m fairly adventurous and pretty darn brave, but I am not stupid.  So I do not walk the lane from our house to the main road without someone with me.  Which is another problem because all the ladies that I speak to in the complex and that speak English all have a day job so they aren’t here during the week just as much as Bear isn’t here either.

Then there was the constant worrying over my Father’s health condition and even though he is doing well and on the mend back at home now….I still worry and wish I could be there.  Even if it was just to do things that annoy him…like when I bought him parachute pants for his birthday one year.  Because they were cool.  I got him purple shiny pants because purple was a good color for his skin tone.  This debacle ensured that my Mother was never again allowed to take me shopping for Daddy’s gifts unless she first cleared my choices with him.

But I digress.

Where were we?

Oh yes, my depression…..

Otherwise….I am left pretty much to my own devices and while I find myself intriguing and beguiling, even I can get pretty bored with myself after some time.

So what’s a girl to do?

Get depressed that’s what!

In all seriousness, I am fairly good at entertaining myself.  I take a lot of enjoyment from reading, watching movies (I brought a huge collection of books and movies with me to India), researching things online, reading other people’s blogs, my photography, taking care of the complex dogs and learning new things to cook.  But there is only so much of that you can take day in and day out for over a year.

Thankfully, things changed a bit three weeks ago when the “Girls” became Momma’s and between them had 7 puppies.  Now, instead of just spending a bit more on regular dog food, we are spending a lot more on enhanced dog food and instead of left over’s for us the next day it becomes the Girls lunch!  This has kept me fairly busy as finding a safe place for two full-grown dogs and their 7 pups in a complex full of people who either a) don’t like dogs b) are afraid of dogs or c) don’t understand them and think it’s perfectly cool to try to touch the puppies without knowing the Girls or how they will react.

The good thing is that both of the girls chose to be close to Bear and I so have had their puppies in a grassy enclosed area right outside our window in an area that hasn’t been developed yet.  This was I can keep an eye on everyone, and ear out to listen for squeaks and barks and I have my mini binoculars to peek at them as needed.  I also go down every day now to feed the girls special dog food for lactating mother’s and I check on the puppies to make sure they are healthy and ok.

This is actually HUGELY therapeutic for me.  It’s a well-known fact that animals bring down a person’s blood pressure and increase the amount of endorphins that their brains produce.  So, the girls are doing their part to heal me and I am doing my part to keep them as close to their litters as possible instead of having to leave for long periods to hunt by feeding them food high in fiber, calcium and protein.

Or….as they would say if they could “CHICKEN!!!!!! YES YES YES!!!”

However, that comes to an end as there is only so long that I can spend sitting on the ground outside with the dogs before I gather a crowd of laborers or residents who want to gawk/gaze at the crazy American Didi feeding those street dogs again.

Well….at least one good thing came out of it.  I’ve noticed more newspapers in their area with left over sauce on it.  That means more people are feeding the girls and that makes me feel better.  Also, because the girls decided to have the puppies near to Bear and I, we can see them from outside our bedroom window.  This way, I can hear if there are any problems and help if needed (it has been needed twice due to a puppy roam-a-thon that got two into trouble).

Otherwise, for the past three weeks I’ve been stuck in the house.  Finding that we are out of something makes it worse because I KNOW that if I had a scooter or a  car I could just go and get it on my own.

So, I sit in my pretty house and read.  Or nap.  And then read some more.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to read, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

Except in the case of chocolate.  You can never have too much chocolate.

I’ve decided to do some self diagnosis and have determined that I suffer from a case of Cabin Fever.  Cabin fever (also known as House Syndrome) is an idiomatic term for a claustrophobic reaction that takes place when a person or group is isolated and/or shut in, in a small space, with nothing to do, for an extended period (as in a simple country vacation cottage during a long rain or snow). Symptoms include restlessness, irritability, irrational frustration with everyday objects, forgetfulness, laughter, excessive sleeping, distrust of anyone they are with, and an urge to go outside even in the rain, snow or dark.

Cabin fever is such a universal affliction that movies and books have dramatized its sometimes horrifying effect on people and their mental state. Stephen King’s The Shining is a perfect example of how isolation can drive a person mad. The family in the film is holed up in a remote hotel resort, snowed in until spring. Add isolation, lack of entertainment and a supernatural presence, and madness ensues.

While the ‘cures’ for ending cabin fever were interesting: reading, board games and card games, I had all but used up my patience with these and they were no longer working as a cure-all.  Getting outdoors and engaging in physical activity was listed as the only real “cure”, however, like I said before, there is only so long that I can hang out in our complex before I start to draw a crowd.  Calling a friend, or simply trying to get a change of scenery, was listed a possible ways to help but calling my friends in the states is fairly prohibitive cost wise and change of scenery would….once again….require resources to move me about in area’s not confined to my general living area.  So that was out too.

Feeding and caring for the dog’s has definitely been a huge help, as has my father being back at home and finally on the mend.

But I have to say that it’s been my husband who has been the most help.

I’ve read so many articles lately about couples having issues, and wondered if I was just lucky to have such a perfect relationship.

Now that I’ve been able to take some real-time at introspection, I realize that it’s not that Bear and I are lucky.  We ARE lucky, but we are also very good at communicating with each other.  Even when things are at the hardest, even when we really do NOT want to say what’s on our mind, if we know it’s affecting each other adversely we talk about it.

For example…

Diwali is coming up.  This was another source of depression for me.  It’s not that I’m depressed over the holiday…far from it.  Perish the thought!  It’s the expense of going somewhere.

Let me explain….try to keep up, this is going to get twisty.

We are going to be purchasing me a scooter in about a month and a half (I’ve said this already haven’t I?) and the cost will be prohibitive especially since I am not working now.

This purchase adds to my “I’m a monetary drain on my husband” guilt, which include: 1) Western food stuffs at exorbitant rates even if it IS only once or twice a month and even then a thousand rupees 2) Hair care treatments that I had to go through when the climate, water, food and change of environment made my hair start falling out far too quickly 3) Dinner out once a week 4) Chocolate 5) New Dresses for new Festivities (I stopped with the last one since it will work for all the Winter Holiday’s).

In order to make sure that the expense of the scooter is not a huge burden on my husband, I’ve started asking for less of the things that I can live without (see the above) or just not asking for them at all.  I also hem and haw on any new expense he mentions, basically dragging my feet in a vain and futile attempt to not show that I really want that new expense which will therefore increase my monetary guilt.

SIDENOTE:  This is another side effect of being a Westerner who moves to India as a significant other.  For people used to working constantly, it’s hard to shift gears to not working or barely working.  At first it’s all cool and stuff but then the guilt settles about your ability to contribute and not adding to the family’s debts.  Especially when you know that your ass could be out there slaving away with the rest of the drones and WTF am I complaining about??????

And now here comes Diwali.  My husband wants it to be a “Just Us” vacation but in order to do that we must have plans to get away somewhere otherwise the family will get ideas about where we should be spending Diwali and with WHOM and all of a sudden it won’t be a “Just Us” vaca anymore.

I, on the other hand, know that in my currently semi depressed mode I will require nice accommodation, like close to 5 star hotel standards.  Preferably a room with a working western toilet and toilet tissue, no pan stains on the walls and clean bed sheets (or at least clean enough where I can’t see the stains from the last customer on them).  I know this will cost money.  Lots of money.  Including the travel expense.  And the expense of feeding me and watering me.  Do you have any idea how much it costs for a bottle of water???

BECAUSE I knew that I couldn’t deal with anything less than what was going to be very expensive accommodation and felt horrible about it, I hemmed and hawed my way through nearly two weeks of my husband asking me what I wanted to do.

This made me feel guilty.

Why you ask?

Follow this if you can….

I grew up with it drilled into my head that you ask for others and do for yourself as well as that you do not, under any circumstances, AIR your ‘dirty laundry’ (i.e.: faults, bad secrets, etc) unless need be.  So, I felt guilty because I was hiding my feelings about the expenses from my husband and possibly ruining a fabulous holiday all because I ‘needed’ a stupid expensive scooter just to run my arse to the local shop to buy chocolate (and tomato and other food) which is already an expense on my poor husband and because I can’t deal with anything less than 5 star hotel accommodations now which is totally and completely spoiled rotten of me and made me utterly ashamed at my own selfishness but if we spent that huge amount on the holiday would that in turn put off the purchase of the scooter to a later date thereby putting off the time when I can have some freedom to go two miles up the road on a motorized transport instead of using my God-given and Free legs.

And naturally, when Bear got frustrated at me for all the hemming and hawing….I got mad at him and started crying.  : P

So there.

Ok….so psychologically speaking I was really mad at myself and ashamed that I had driven my husband to frustration and was still hiding my true thoughts from him in a vain attempt to hide my selfishness.

So, Bear (being the totally awesome man that he is) took the day off from work to figure out what the heck was wrong with me.

You see, he knows me and he knows that when something is wrong, I talk about it.  I always stress on wanting to work out our issues and find a way to fix them together.  He knows that if I am not doing that, then there is more going on here than meets the eye.

So he stayed.

This made me feel guiltiest.  And I cried even harder.  Blubbering about how horrid I am as a wife.

I asked him later what he heard….you know, for prosperity sake and he said this:

“I heard ‘My feelllmmmps hallosohhmmmps no ghssssiiimmspss!!!!’ and then more crying.

Finally, I got calmed down and he was able to get me to start talking properly and then the whole thing spilled out.  I told him every little guilt I had and all about my selfish behavior.

And his response was “Is that all????”.

And then he went and fixed it.  He made plans for us to do day trips in our area so that all we paid for was the taxi/tour and food but that we would come home to our flat every night.

He also confirmed we were going to purchase that scooter no matter what and that it wasn’t a ‘want’ expense, it was a ‘need’ expense.

He explained that he was surprised at how low my phone bills back home were, and how I hadn’t asked for the other things.  He didn’t mention them because he didn’t think they were a big deal to me.  He thought I was just not wanting them since I always tell him whenever I want something.

He explained that if we can’t afford something, he is not going to hide it from me.  He is going to tell me when we can’t afford something and when we can.  He said that I should worry over something, I should just ask.  And usually I do.

Except for when it’s for me.

I can ask for you.  I can ask for the dogs.  I can ask for the neighbor.  For our family.  I can ask on behalf of anyone.

But not myself.

Because I was raised to think that was being selfish.  That I shouldn’t ask for myself, I should DO for myself and ask for others.  However, sometimes (like now) when I’m feeling down or sad, I take that two steps too far and make it that every little thing I ‘need’ is a ‘want’ and therefore is selfish.

So now, I have one more thing to work on….being less hard on myself for needing certain things and finding new ways of dealing with the dumps until we can purchase my scooter.

Also, (note to self) work harder at not letting things build up to boiling point and just show my husband my dirty ‘laundry’ in faith that he knows how to get it clean better than anyone on this planet!

PS:  Due to all of the above, quite obviously Bear has other things on his mind.  So, he says to tell you all he will try to complete the blog this weekend.

 

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20 thoughts on “I am Jack’s Shiny Cabin Fever

  1. Something to make you laugh.

    Riding on the wave of the film ‘Robot’ Rajnikant has increased his fan-base even more.

    Here’s what my college friends think of him:-

    Rajnikant - I

    Rajnikant - II

    Rajnikant - III

    😀 😀 😀

  2. SHUBH DEEPAVALI!

    Here’s a Traditional Diwali, tasty Faraal for you!

    (The ‘la’ sound in ‘Faraal’ is the irritating one with the tip of the tongue 80 – 90 degrees to the palate!)

    (Alongwith the lighting at my home!)

    http://picasaweb.google.com/JG.ghod/DIWALI2010#

    Hope to hear from you soon!

    And don’t open the door if you don’t want to give half your wealth to the Diwali ‘baksheesh’ seekers! 😉

    (Except those few who deserve, like the post-man!)

  3. Oh no, I really feel your pain but I can imagine it must be so much worse than what mine ever was. Because like Jayesh said about this aunty:
    😛

    “Sharell AUNTY has taken the smartest way.
    She earns while sitting at home and manages to write an entire book in the process.”

    I just got very lucky though. It was in my destiny to turn out this way, because it’s very rare to end up in my fortunate situation I’ve realised.

    I’ve never had to rely on anyone for money… I’ve earned since I was 15. I can’t imagine what it would be like not to have my own money, and have to rely on someone else. Usually it’s me minding the budget.

    It’s very hard to be empowered, like we are in the west, then have it taken away. I really miss jumping in my car and going for a drive to make myself feel better too.

    I promise you, I’m coming to Pune to visit you next year. I’d come this year but I just can’t unfortunately. Not enough time. 😦

    Wish there was something I could say to make you better, but I know that when you’re depressed you’re depressed. You just have to bear with it, acknowledge it, ride through it, and know that an up will eventually come.

    Huge hugs. xox

  4. SHUBH DEEPAVALI, YOUR HIGHNESS.

    To you, Bear dada and your entire, extended family.

    Can you draw Rangoli?
    Please put up a pic, then.

  5. SHUBH DEEPAWALI!

    SHUBH DHANTRAYODASHI!

    Today, we celebrate Wealth and Health by worshiping Lord Dhanvantari, the God of Ayurveda Medicine.

    So, I am ‘God of the Day’, eh?

    Hindu Doctor’s Day?

    I hope you and Bear dada are doing ‘Abhyang Snan’ at Dawn, especially on ‘Balipratipada’ Day?

    When the Wife bathes the Husband, after applying the oil and ‘Utana’ powder mixture to him.
    Then, after the bath, the Wife takes the Aarti of the Husband.

    On ‘Narak Chaturdashi’ Day, it is the Mother who bathes etc. the child.

    On ‘Bhau-Beej’ Day, it is the Sister who applies the mixture, bathes etc. the Brother.

    (Of course, by ‘bathing’ I mean, ceremonial pouring some lukewarm water and applying soap to the head, face and back.

    Of course, between young married couples, without children on ‘Balipratipada Day’…. ;-))

    Whenever I have spent my Diwali at my ‘native place’, I have had lots of fun with us brothers (cousins) sitting in line as our sisters used to apply the mixture and bathe us, turn by turn.

    And at home, my sis. and I used to whistle and pass comments on Balipratipada Day,though it is ceremonial.

    And the Sweets!
    I will upload the pics tommorrow!

  6. Sweets are to be eaten after the meal….

    First food, then chocolates! 🙂

    No, seriously, I do want to know what you would like to prepare for me if I am to come for lunch for three days:-

    1.) One Maharashtrian/Indian meal.

    2.) One American meal. (No Mc Ds!)

    3.) One anything you like, even mixed.

    Which’s your favourite chocolate?
    I like dark chocolate the best.
    Tobelerone, Bournville etc.

    • Where are my chocolates dude? You said you were bringing chocolates? Hmph…. No Chocolates, No Food. 😛 heheheheh

  7. Oi! I am in Pune, now.
    Visiting my sister at Bibwewadi.

    I am coming to your place.
    What are you preparing for lunch for me?

    • Well, actually I am here on a X Visa (Entry Visa) and would not transfer it to work visa if I could. Mainly because I am going to apply for the PIO (Person of Indian Origin) card in a month or so and to apply for it here in India you must be living here on an X Visa.

      SOOOO, that all means that I can’t work for an Indian Company until I get the PIO card. I wouldn’t want to work as a contractor for an American Company as figuring out the taxes on International earnings would be a NIGHTMARE considering how hard a normal tax return is! LOL

      So….I wait. bleck.

  8. Have the two of you ever sat down and planned out a budget? Like in a spreadsheet with all the money flows written down in black ink?

    Aditya and I have a the same sort of weird dynamic with chores and household tasks. Recently, we finally sat down, and planned out a whole schedule of what needs to happen when – and it’s smoothed things out a lot.

    • Bear had a budget worked out and was doing it quite closely until he got sick the last time and couldn’t really sit up or focus on anything for the first month. Maybe it’s time to get back to doing that!! Maybe I should have to keep it up to date! [brrrr shake grrrrr ewww yuck] See the reasoning behind this thought below….

      Unfortunately in this case, it was my own warped sense of monetary items and my inability to remember anything related to budgetary items. For example, he told me (or at least he SAYS he told me) two months ago where we were going to get the money for my scooter and how it would affect our finances (only by a little), however in that time of not talking about it I built up in my head that it was going to hit our finances a lot and TOTALLY misplaced that part in the conversation about where the money for the down-payment would come from and somehow convinced myself we needed to save for it. I’m not sure if it was my depression affecting my memory or my hypothyroidism or my constant concern over my father. Either way, Bear had to have another conversation with me about the finances and how the scooter would be paid for before I started to feel that guilt slide back a little. 😉

  9. Quite a lot on your mind, eh Vahini?

    But first:-

    Bear dada Rocks!

    (I am really asking him how to keep a Lady happy and tear-free….)

    Now, for you:-

    Hmmmm…. actually, when I started reading your blog, many weeks ago, I wondered many times whether you feel alone, all cooped up at your home, with nothing much to do.
    And though it seemed to me, I didn’t dare ask and also hoped that you were not slightly depressed.

    But I see that it has been stated and all I can say is I wish that you recieve ten times my weight in chocolate!

    You are a person who tends to look at the bright side of things, even in the darkest of hours but do not associate the good things with yourself.

    (I know I sound like a bad fortune cookie! 🙂 )

    To be stuck up in a room all day, with nothing to do can be tough and for someone who is definitely not a housewife material, its more so!

    I agree, doing activities like reading, watching movies help but what they don’t give is a drive, a motivation and a sense of purpose that a job does.
    The problem is that one tends to distract oneslf with too many things at once and end up feeling not only drained, exhausted but also with a feeling of incompleteness.
    So, how are they to be arranged?

    Take inspiration from your previous way of Life in the U. S. A.
    One major activity should be your main activity and should be undertaken regularly and followed seriously while the other activities become assisting activities.
    Its like you have work to do, a regular job.

    What’s the activity, Her Highness would ask me?
    Well, it depends upon the person and available resources.
    If I had been you, I would have tried to earn a few degrees by now, by doing a correspondence course! 😉
    That would have given me a sense of drive and would give me a sense of doing something worthwhile.

    But of course, the matter of money comes to the picture with you….

    My smart and dearest

    *Looks around*

    Sharell AUNTY has taken the smartest way.
    She earns while sitting at home and manages to write an entire book in the process.

    But it seems Bear has taken care of that.
    (Day trips to where?)

    Or needs some thinking and discussion.

    Traditionally, Indian housewives have been perfectly willing to laze around all day at home while their hubbys would go to work….
    But like I said, you were not brought up like that!
    You have always contributed your share to the family pot.
    (I LIKE that. 🙂 )

    I sincerely wish that you find some way to remedy that.

    (Work in a Call-Centre? Someone with a REAL knowhow of the Landmarks in the U. S. of A., maybe?)

    But Lady, I now know that while Bear dada rocks, he is sure Damn Lucky to have such a caring, loving, good natured wife, who is not only intelligent but also humble and a deep sense of values. And not to mention beautiful (I am sure you are, even though you do not share a pic!)

    I don’t like to ‘air my dirty laundry’ too.
    My sis has always been the opposite, so I guess, I didn’t grow up like that!
    (We are both opposite in behaviour. She is elder to me and due to the ‘Cold War’ between us, I grew up with many opposing characteristics.)

    And one who LOVES dogs!

    I know the feeling when the ‘strays’ that you take care of have puppies.
    They are the cutest!
    When I was a kid, the stray bitch in my colony, Rani, gave birth to a puppy and used to follow (still does) me around!
    I feed him some biscuits even now as I come home late at night!
    Though, there are those ‘officially appointed’ who feed the strays everyday. 🙂

    But Bear is brave!
    He TALKS to a CRYING woman!
    WOW!

    So you too are made for each other.

    The Bear in Shining Armour to the rescue of the Gori (crying) Rajkumari.

    I hope you get a solution to this problem soon!

    We want a slightly insane blogger, not a completely insane one!

    P. S.:- I want to see a cute Aurora Aunty riding a scooty, wearing a helmet, through the ‘open’, ‘free’ roads of Pune City. 😀

    • Oh wow! This comment is HUGE! But I AM going to respond to it tomorrow! I prrrroooommise.

      PS: As to your PS, I just got a mental image of that end scene in 3 Idiots where she is riding in wearing her wedding sari and that silly red helmet! LOL

  10. Thank you for sharing, for your honesty and for letting us into your reality.
    I can relate to your depression, as I’m struggling with mine at the moment as well. Though obviously I am at least lucky enough to be with friends and family, but at least you have Bear. That’s one of the things making it harder for me right now, being away from my love.

    You said you don’t call family and friends too often because of the price. I don’t know how good your internet connection is, but have you considered using Skype? It is free if you call pc-2-pc, and very cheap to call landlines and cell phones in the US. Also, have you looked into getting telephone cards which make it cheaper to call internationally (of course you might have done this already, in which case, don’t mind me).

    My doctor has told me to exercise and socialize. I realize the last part might be difficult for you at the moment, but maybe try and see if you can do some simple exercise like yoga in the apartment, I know that’s one thing that helps me to feel better when I’m feeling depressed (though It’s incredibly hard to pull myself together to do just that).

    I’m sorry to hear you are feeling depressed, and I do hope you’ll feel better soon.

    • Hi Becky!!

      Thank you so much for the comment and the compliment! It really was uplifting when I read it and helped quite a lot! I have thought a lot about SKYPE the only problem is that neither of my parents are very technologically savy and would require someone to install it for them and them walk them through using it the first four or five times in order for them to use it on their own afterwards. My brother might be able to help my Dad if he didn’t work so often but I can’t really depend on that. It’s not a lost cause, but it’s a ‘on hold’ one for the moment. But thank you SO MUCH for the suggestion! I truly appreciate it!

      As for exercise….I hate it. It’s anathema to me. It’s dead to me. I’m not speaking to it presently. 😀 hehehehe Actually, I very much like being active I just never have been very good at the whole ‘going to the gym to do mindless body exercises’ type of exercise. I’m better at the type of exercise that you dont’ know you are doing until the next day when you got that good burn going on. So I try to play badminton or going swimming as often as possible, but one requires my husband and the other was off due to the Monsoon season. argh. Right now I’m getting my exercise chasing around 7 puppies and 2 Momma’s in our complex and making sure they are healthy and fed! 😉

      I am feeling much better right now and can only hope that is an upward trend! I’m glad that you also are doing well and am very happy to hear that you have your family with you even if you are away from your love. >:D< Hugs to you!

      PS: I hope everything is ok with Snoopy. I know how sad it is when a pet is ill and you can't afford the care. 😦

      • Hey,
        I understand what you mean about your parents not being too technology savvy, I have the same problem with my Mum when I’m in the US to visit my love. I think my Mum and I usually talk about 5 times a week – and in some periods several times a day! But when I’m in the US it’s usually only once a week or so, because it’s so expensive to call – and she is too overwhelmed at the thought of using Skype or pre-paid cards. Have you tried Skype yourself though? It isn’t all that hard to use, once you’ve tried it once or twice, and if you have webcams you’ll even be able to see each other.
        Also, I just checked the prices, and if you don’t mind paying a little, but still use Skype, you can get unlimited minutes to call both cell phones and landlines in the US for $6.99 a month (you use Skype, then just call any number) or pay as you go for 2.3cents/min: http://buy.skype.com/paymonthly/#US

        Hehe, I’m not so good with exercise either, but I really enjoy yoga 🙂 I think it’s mainly because it can be varied quite a bit, and I can feel myself improve each time, as I’m able to go deeper into the poses, or hold them for longer.

        Unfortunately Snoopy had to be put to sleep, it was something with his back and he would’ve had to either go through surgery (which we couldn’t afford) or be permanently on medication which might make him sick and would under all circumstances call for frequent visits to the vet, which he was terrified of.

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